The last few weeks in my world have felt terrible.

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I thought maybe I was depressed. Or that I was in an autoimmune flare. Or that maybe my muse had abandoned me for good.

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My (very human) brain was definitely having a field day with all of the "problems" in my life.

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But, yesterday, after a series of encounters, I came to understand something on such a deep embodied level that I couldn't wait to tell you about it.

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We'll need to rewind a bit, first, though.

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I've been writing online for close to 15 years and started my business in coaching/healing work in 2009.

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I never set out to start a business, though.

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I started writing because I couldn't not write.

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Back then, blogs were super cool. The revolution of anyone being able to have a platform online was just starting and I was riding the wave. People were actually paying attention to me.

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I remember checking my blog stats and seeing that 40k people were reading my blog.

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It literally blew my mind.

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Eventually, I started getting requests from people, literally from all over the world. They wanted to know if we could email and I help them with their issues. Or if we could talk on the phone so they could ask me questions.

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This blew my mind even more.

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I understand now that those requests were one of my big Human Design Projector invitations.

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For most of my life, I had been rejected for my insight and wisdom. And, all of a sudden, I was being recognized and invited.

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Eventually, I decided to get some training to be a coach. I trained in three different modalities, through another invitation, became a master energy healer in two different modalities.

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I worked with people from all over the globe. I ran group coaching and energy healing programs. I write ebooks. I did all sorts of things.

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But there was one truth that simmered under the surface the whole time.

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I wanted a "passive" income business. I remember telling my first coach that what I really wanted was to sell a hands-off offer that was infinitely more valuable than the price. I really wanted my writing to be the star of my show.

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(I put "passive" in quotes because it isn't truly passive. It just looks really different than trading hours for dollars or needing to be in a certain place at a certain time.)

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With my understanding of my Human Design, those intuitive knowings are clear to me now. It was literally written in the stars for that to be the case for me.

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But, despite that dream, I couldn't ever seem to get there. I created lots of "passive" offers but never enough to actually be a sustainable source of income.

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In 2020, I received another invitation of a lifetime. Interestingly enough, it came from the same person that led me to become an energy healer all those years earlier.

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That was when people were asking me, from all over the place, to interpret their Human Design chart.

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Again, I had no intentions of making a business out of Human Design. I was just completely sucked in and felt major resonance with it in my life.

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But, I also seemed to "get it" and explain it in a way that people could really absorb.

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Those things combined led to a massive influx of recognition and invitation.

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So, for over a year, I created maps for people and was writing almost non-stop.

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I wrote my heart out for over a year and created a database of Human Design information that is well over 200k words. In book terms, if I were to publish my database, the book would be well over 1,000 pages.

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I was making all maps by hand and absolutely could not keep up with the demand. You may remember that it was on the waitlist most of the time.

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I slowly started to hand off minor pieces to my wonderful right-hand woman (Emily) but between the writing and the delivery, I was still heavily involved in the process.

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Towards the end of the summer of 2021, I started to leverage more technology to help with the creation and delivery. And by the end of October, the database was completely written.

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After over a decade, my life seemed to change overnight.

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Now I understand why it often looks like people achieve "overnight success."

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There is a tipping point that happens on the outside that becomes obvious. But people don't see everything that went into behind the scenes.

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At first, I was dancing in the success of the milestone.

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My dream came true.

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I went from being the backbone to my only "responsibility" being to write amazing content in various forms (blogs, emails, upgrading map content, answering map customer questions, etc.).

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And because I had been slowly letting go of 1:1 clients, my time really opened up.

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I had incorrectly pushed so hard for so many years prior, this time afforded me a luxury I had never known in my 45 years.

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I could rest. And play. And do basically whatever I wanted and "only" show up when I felt inspired or when my guidance was actually needed.

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It was truly the epitome of Projector success.

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But then, I started to feel incredibly restless.

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My sleep was off. My relationship with food was slipping. And I was starting to think that I was dipping back into depression.

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As I said at the beginning, I made that experience mean a lot of negative shit.

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I thought for sure that I had done something wrong.

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Thankfully, I surround myself with people who help me remember.

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This brings us back to the revelation. Here it is:

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Dreams coming true can feel like shit.

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I knew this on an intellectual level for years. I read the Big Leap almost a decade ago and I had my fair share of what he calls "Upper Limit Problems" or what we often say in the coaching world as:

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New level, same devil.

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But this was next level, indeed.

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This was truly a dream I'd been creating for over a decade. A dream that, for most of that time, I was hard-pressed to believe in.

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Suddenly, it was my reality.

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And, here is the thing that most people don't talk about:

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My nervous system didn't know what to do with that. I didn't know how to be in the space of having.

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My "have to" world shifted into "want to."

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There were no more deadlines. Or to-do lists. Or pressure.

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The conditioning was just...gone.

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My body did not know how to do that. I'd "worked hard" since I was 14 years old.

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This new reality did not match my capacity to receive.

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And, I don't think there are enough people talking about that.

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As humans, we often believe that "there is better than here."

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But, it never is.

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No matter how many of our dreams come true, we are still humans with human brains and nervous systems.

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Those brains and nervous systems become conditioned with certain ways of being in the world.

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And with each new layer of success, we have to learn how to be that person.

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I understood that before.

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But now. OMG. Now.

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It is encoded in my DNA.

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I no longer believe in an airy-fairy idea that success will solve all my problems.

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I no longer believe that a goal can make me worthy.

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I no longer believe that there is better than here.

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So...

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I will revisit and refine my tools (the ones I teach in the deconditioning toolbox that comes with the map).

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I will show my body that this is safe.

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I will learn how to be in the promised land.

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In all honesty, I don't know what comes next. I'm trusting that being here now will guide the way. It always does.

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But in the meantime, I will say this:

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Dreams coming true can feel like shit. And that is perfect. It means we are playing at the edge of belief. We are dancing in the land of potential.

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We are remembering who the fuck we really are.

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And there is nothing more important than that.

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p.s. Are you ready to play at your edge by experimenting with your Human Design? The Human Design Map + Deconditioning Toolbox is for you.