The last few weeks in my world have felt terrible.
I thought maybe I was depressed. Or that I was in an autoimmune flare. Or that maybe my muse had abandoned me for good.
My (very human) brain was definitely having a field day with all of the "problems" in my life.
But, yesterday, after a series of encounters, I came to understand something on such a deep embodied level that I couldn't wait to tell you about it.
We'll need to rewind a bit, first, though.
I've been writing online for close to 15 years and started my business in coaching/healing work in 2009.
I never set out to start a business, though.
I started writing because I couldn't not write.
Back then, blogs were super cool. The revolution of anyone being able to have a platform online was just starting and I was riding the wave. People were actually paying attention to me.
I remember checking my blog stats and seeing that 40k people were reading my blog.
It literally blew my mind.
Eventually, I started getting requests from people, literally from all over the world. They wanted to know if we could email and I help them with their issues. Or if we could talk on the phone so they could ask me questions.
This blew my mind even more.
I understand now that those requests were one of my big Human Design Projector invitations.
For most of my life, I had been rejected for my insight and wisdom. And, all of a sudden, I was being recognized and invited.
Eventually, I decided to get some training to be a coach. I trained in three different modalities, through another invitation, became a master energy healer in two different modalities.
I worked with people from all over the globe. I ran group coaching and energy healing programs. I write ebooks. I did all sorts of things.
But there was one truth that simmered under the surface the whole time.
I wanted a "passive" income business. I remember telling my first coach that what I really wanted was to sell a hands-off offer that was infinitely more valuable than the price. I really wanted my writing to be the star of my show.
(I put "passive" in quotes because it isn't truly passive. It just looks really different than trading hours for dollars or needing to be in a certain place at a certain time.)
With my understanding of my Human Design, those intuitive knowings are clear to me now. It was literally written in the stars for that to be the case for me.
But, despite that dream, I couldn't ever seem to get there. I created lots of "passive" offers but never enough to actually be a sustainable source of income.
In 2020, I received another invitation of a lifetime. Interestingly enough, it came from the same person that led me to become an energy healer all those years earlier.
That was when people were asking me, from all over the place, to interpret their Human Design chart.
Again, I had no intentions of making a business out of Human Design. I was just completely sucked in and felt major resonance with it in my life.
But, I also seemed to "get it" and explain it in a way that people could really absorb.
Those things combined led to a massive influx of recognition and invitation.
So, for over a year, I created maps for people and was writing almost non-stop.
I wrote my heart out for over a year and created a database of Human Design information that is well over 200k words. In book terms, if I were to publish my database, the book would be well over 1,000 pages.
I was making all maps by hand and absolutely could not keep up with the demand. You may remember that it was on the waitlist most of the time.
I slowly started to hand off minor pieces to my wonderful right-hand woman (Emily) but between the writing and the delivery, I was still heavily involved in the process.
Towards the end of the summer of 2021, I started to leverage more technology to help with the creation and delivery. And by the end of October, the database was completely written.
After over a decade, my life seemed to change overnight.
Now I understand why it often looks like people achieve "overnight success."
There is a tipping point that happens on the outside that becomes obvious. But people don't see everything that went into behind the scenes.
At first, I was dancing in the success of the milestone.
My dream came true.
I went from being the backbone to my only "responsibility" being to write amazing content in various forms (blogs, emails, upgrading map content, answering map customer questions, etc.).
And because I had been slowly letting go of 1:1 clients, my time really opened up.
I had incorrectly pushed so hard for so many years prior, this time afforded me a luxury I had never known in my 45 years.
I could rest. And play. And do basically whatever I wanted and "only" show up when I felt inspired or when my guidance was actually needed.
It was truly the epitome of Projector success.
But then, I started to feel incredibly restless.
My sleep was off. My relationship with food was slipping. And I was starting to think that I was dipping back into depression.
As I said at the beginning, I made that experience mean a lot of negative shit.
I thought for sure that I had done something wrong.
Thankfully, I surround myself with people who help me remember.
This brings us back to the revelation. Here it is:
Dreams coming true can feel like shit.
I knew this on an intellectual level for years. I read the Big Leap almost a decade ago and I had my fair share of what he calls "Upper Limit Problems" or what we often say in the coaching world as:
New level, same devil.
But this was next level, indeed.
This was truly a dream I'd been creating for over a decade. A dream that, for most of that time, I was hard-pressed to believe in.
Suddenly, it was my reality.
And, here is the thing that most people don't talk about:
My nervous system didn't know what to do with that. I didn't know how to be in the space of having.
My "have to" world shifted into "want to."
There were no more deadlines. Or to-do lists. Or pressure.
The conditioning was just...gone.
My body did not know how to do that. I'd "worked hard" since I was 14 years old.
This new reality did not match my capacity to receive.
And, I don't think there are enough people talking about that.
As humans, we often believe that "there is better than here."
But, it never is.
No matter how many of our dreams come true, we are still humans with human brains and nervous systems.
Those brains and nervous systems become conditioned with certain ways of being in the world.
And with each new layer of success, we have to learn how to be that person.
I understood that before.
But now. OMG. Now.
It is encoded in my DNA.
I no longer believe in an airy-fairy idea that success will solve all my problems.
I no longer believe that a goal can make me worthy.
I no longer believe that there is better than here.
I will revisit and refine my tools (the ones I teach in the deconditioning toolbox that comes with the map).
I will show my body that this is safe.
I will learn how to be in the promised land.
In all honesty, I don't know what comes next. I'm trusting that being here now will guide the way. It always does.
But in the meantime, I will say this:
Dreams coming true can feel like shit. And that is perfect. It means we are playing at the edge of belief. We are dancing in the land of potential.
We are remembering who the fuck we really are.
And there is nothing more important than that.
5/2 Splenic Projector
LAX of the Clarion 2
I make Human Design + Deconditioning simple, practical, and magickal.
p.s. Are you ready to play at your edge by experimenting with your Human Design? The Human Design Map + Deconditioning Toolbox is for you.